based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
