walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
