Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
