My hair reeks of homosexuality.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
