This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
