I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
