I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
