I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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