oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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