I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
