I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
