i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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