Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
