I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
