Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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