you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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