I feel like abortions should bother me more
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
