you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
