I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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