apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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