Your face is a jimmy john
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
