Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
