her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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