I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
