Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
