As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
