So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
