I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
