His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
