So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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