On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
