I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
