Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
