you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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