the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
