did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
