If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
