I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
