you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
