there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
