is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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