It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
