Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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