I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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