I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
