i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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