I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
