I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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