i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
accomplished twins. life is a go
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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