I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
